hallelujah, He RAINS!

aaaah... yes, yes He does. (more power to those who caught the Newsboys allusion in the title). So Ty's party was fun times ten. We got there and played volleyball and had dinner and stuff, pizza and pasta salad mmmmm... then we had to go stand on the street corner to wait for Becky since she's that cool... and then we had cake and presents and etc, and I learned how to spell Tyleasha (wow I didn't know how to on the card... I felt bad aaaah!). then we went outside and had a water balloon toss that lasted about five minutes, and then it started raining but did that stop the hide-and-seeking? of course not. so me and Ty were awesome partners and Mr. Terrifying Tiki Man was safe haha and then we gave up because it was raining hardhardhard (plus lightning... and we were all touching a metal pole because it was "safe..." irony much?) so we went over to the parking lot next door and danced in the puddles singing CAMP SONGS WOOOO! haha Brittany that was awesome... He rains! and by this time it was like 10:30 and every part of each of us was soooooaked so we went inside to dry off... then we watched Yours, Mine and Ours which has HAWK NELSON in it while they were still hot... aaah that made my night. and Ashley killed me at hot hands (lmnop! haha so excited for camp!) and then we all started drifting off while watching While You Were Sleeping which is a cute little movie if you ever get bored. Then we woke up and hung out for a little while and me and Elizabeth understood the cinnamon-cracker band-aids and I had Lucky Charms for breakfast for the first time in eeever...

then I had to leave about half an hour early to go to MY FIRST GUITAR LESSON woooo! so I was pretty psyched for that. and I guess I'm pretty good because I can already read music and know about majors and minors and dominant sevenths from piano-ing. so I'm learning Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd in the next two weeks and it's cool just because I can say "yeah, I can play Pink Floyd." on my acoustic. haha yeah right.

Ok, Emily Beckie Brittany Becky and Kassie (or anyone else if you want to), I'm in need of advice... a few nights ago I was really confused and I just opened up my Bible and what I read fit 100% PERFECTLY to my life, it was exactly what I needed to hear, God was literally talking to me and it was so cool. what I read was somewhere in Mark and it was that verse that says (loose paraphrasing, deal with it) "if your eye causes you to sin, cut it out and throw it away. it's better to go through your life crippled than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." this was after I got back from the summer school show and was missing ballet so terribly... I remembered why I left in the first place. it was causing me to sin, to be concieted and put myself in front of others and work for my own glory instead of God's.

but then I started thinking about other things, and I was also confused because I've been noticing that I'm a very PROUD person. and sure you can say I have plenty of reasons to be proud, grades, poetry, music, ballet, whatever, but it's still a bad thing in God's eyes. so I was thinking, if pride is a sin, what causes me to be proud? my grades? I can't just cut school out of my life and I can't just start failing because wouldn't that be taking what God has given me for granted? but what about... wow this kind of hurts to say... what about poetry? I know I'm a good writer, as concited as that sounds, because as a writer I have to know what is good and what isn't.... I'm incredibly critical of myself, so when something is good, I know it. but if it's causing me to be proud, shouldn't I cut it out of my life? but I also believe it's a God-given talent, maybe what He has planned for the rest of my life... so shouldn't I be trying to be the best I can be? and I do write for God, at least I try to, mostly I write about where I am in my faith at that moment... so that's glorifying Him, right? but then I look back at some of my stuff and think, "wow, I am really good," and even though I don't say it when people tell me I am, I definetly think it. so I am really really confused. and, I've been reading Romans for two weeks or so now and it's taught me a lot about being a hypocrite and I also realized that not only am I proud and self-centered, but I'm a heck of a hyporite. so I'm pretty annoyed with myself at the moment. I know I'll never be perfect but I want to be so much better than I am, you have no idea... (actually you probably do have a pretty good idea, I think everyone gets stuck at this place sometimes)... I want to be so much more compassionate, I love people but I get annoyed so easily... I want to be so much better at music and writing and etc but so much more humble... I do not do the good I want to do but the evil I hate, being sold as a slave to sin... (yes I stole that from Romans 7:14-21 haha Emily)... basically I am a living contradiction with my heart in what I hope is the right place but my actions unable to reflect that. aaaaarg!

sometimes it's embarassing to talk to You
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
and sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty
You love without reserve, the mistakes I make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me
and I'm satisfied to realize You're all I'll ever need
and sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately in an attempt to create space
'cause I want distance from me and the most important thing I know
I see Your love, then turn my back and beg for You to go...
and You recite my words right back to me, before I even speak
You let me know I am understood.

<3333 Rosie

p.s. crap I just reread that and discovered how incredibly "emo-I-hate-myself" it sounded... nonono it's totally NOT like that, I know God understands and I know I can overcome this with His help, the above song describes everything perfectly... I just had to get that out of my system. and if you have advice it is by all means welcome. plus camp is in TWO DAYS WOOO (actually I have to be at the Kozy's in about 35 hours yayayay!) so I'm really looking forward to maybe learning something I need to hear from this famous "PD" you all speak of... eh?